Canada Day Parade
Message from Citizen P. to his wife:
Attended today’s parade: magnificent! Her crown shines brighter than the sun. Our prime minister looks like a wet poodle next to her. When she waved to the crowd, all my worries of economic depression vanished. God save the Queen!
Message from RCMP Constable Marchant to RCMP Corporal Durant:
Queen’s limousine turned down Sarnia Road. When I got there, Sarnia was empty. What to do? Seems no one noticed.
Message from prince to prime minister:
My wife has not returned from her parade. I am holding you personally responsible. Your man Durant should be fired at once. I demand an apology.
Note from MP Smith to MP Grey:
If the Queen is absent, yet still alive, does that make the prince the new Queen? Or must he wait until . . .
Message from newspaper editor to reporter:
Peter! Have you lost your mind? Three days and still no story! Johnson said he saw you falling off your chair at the Moose’s Head. The only thing I hate more than Johnson is a drunk reporter.
I will not write a word until we know whether she ran away or was kidnapped. Someone will be offended by our questions—better one side than both.
P.S. Johnson is a drunk reporter, and an opportunist. He’d stab himself in the back if it helped him get ahead.
Message from Johnson to same reporter:
If you weren’t so distracted by Annie, you might have had a story by now. I’ve known her longer than you have. Stay away!
Johnson’s mad, he’s got envy,
Johnson’s shirt is stained with gravy.
Message from prince to newspaper editor:
I should like to hire you to find my wife, as a private eye of sorts. Money is no issue. Your mounted police are more concerned with preserving their image in the media than finding my wife. I’m staying at the red hotel downtown, the one that looks like it is made of brick, though I doubt it is real brick. Park in the back alley at midnight, flash your headlights thrice.
Letter from prime minister to prince:
Your Royal Highness,
On behalf of the Canadian people, I sincerely apologize for our loss. Please be assured that the Canadian Security Intelligence Service and the Ontario Police and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police are doing everything in their power to locate your wife, our Queen. As soon as we know anything, you will be the first person I contact.
Thank you for your patience,
Anonymous letter to newspaper:
Limo spotted at the Elk Point Diner off of Main Street. Looked just like the Queen’s limo.
Message from newspaper editor to reporters:
Stake out all diners west of Main Street. Eight-dollar budget per head per day. Anything more will be deducted from salary.
Prime minister’s agenda:
Lunch with Martel
Message from prime minister to Corporal Durant:
Hockey practice cancelled. The Mrs. out tonight—beer at my house?
No can do. The wife and I are hosting our monthly book club. Have you seen or read The English Patient? Is the book different from the movie?
Igor Rybak is a silly man who writes serious stories.