Dear Narwhal,

Thank you for accepting my submission, “The Many Hands of Harry Manks,” for publication in a forthcoming issue. Unfortunately, I was unable to meet the revision deadline, as I got sidetracked writing my author bio—bios actually, I’ve written six, and I thought I’d let you decide which one is most appropriate for my story as well as for your magazine.

Alexander Collins is struggling, but he gets through the day by adding “writer” after he says “struggling.”

This bio refers to the lonely path of the writer: the hours of isolation, the days of self-reflection. It speaks to the question that I constantly wrestle with in my head: what the fuck am I doing with my life?

A. Collins is talented at performing tasks that are secondary to what he should be doing at any moment. Some say he procrastinates, while others call him lazy. Mr. Collins is a self-proclaimed multitasker.

What I am referring to here is the immense inertia people feel when they are on the verge of creating something magnificent and they don’t know if what they’ve been working on for so long will actually come to life or be stillborn.

Alex Collins loves to read, sail, swim and play golf. He enjoys the petit bourgeois lifestyle his father (a chiropractor) has provided for him. But at the same time, Alex spends his days performing tasks that leave him feeling as if he’s accomplished nothing. In moments of quiet contemplation, he blames his father for bringing him up white, male and middle class.

Everyone that is white, male, and middle-class feels this way but may not be cognizant of the proper term for this sickness: White Guilt.

aa collins is a writer (who believes no story has a true end . . . ) and imagines good editing is merely to be merely the enhancement furtherance in the of in an evolution of thought toward the perfect thought.

This bio is an homage to my favorite poet, ee cummings. His work taught me that poetry doesn’t have to be overly bleeding heart and sentimental to get you out of the “friend zone.”

Al Collins founded Mason’s, an online quarterly magazine that hasn’t been updated since 2007. He is the author of the unpublished novels A Stale Piece of Prose from a Self-Absorbed Philistine, You Will Not Measure Someone’s Acceleration and This Is the Truth.

This bio is half true and half fiction. I’m drawing off another author I respect, Dave Eggers, the founding editor of McSweeney’s. Mason’s is the name of my blog (and hasn’t been updated since 2007). It’s a WordPress site, and the theme is a clone of the McSweeney’s website. The other half-truth/half-fiction is my unpublished novels. Those are, in fact, true titles and they are unpublished novels, but I’m leaving out that they are also unwritten novels.

Alexander Adam Collins III injects eccentricity into his daily affairs by shouting at people who feed the pigeons in the park. “Stop feeding those winged rats!” he screams. Alexander also writes frequent letters to the editor of his local newspaper suggesting they bring back archaic laws—such as public hangings, tarring-and-featherings and group stonings—by stressing their community-building merits.

That last bio is a lie—although that is my true full name. I was thinking that since Narwhal publishes funny stories, it might be funny to publish funny author bios. But since every literary magazine does that, I guess that idea is lacking in originality and is, therefore, stupid. My apologies.

I look forward to your edits and the furtherance of my writing career.

Thanks,
Alex Collins

Alexander Collins is working on publishing his first short story.